What are your learned sexual scripts?

An article in the November 2005 issue of the Journal of Family Issues titled "But Was It Wanted?" says that nearly 28% of female respondents in a national study reported that their firstsexual encounter was not clearly wanted but not clearly unwanted. They were ambivalent, but went ahead with it anyway. The researchers proposed that sexual scripts had something to dowith why these women had sex, even though they were not totally in favor of it. Sexual scripts are the ideas we have about how we are supposed to behave in sexual situations. Our sexual scripts help us to define what social situations are sexual, to understand our own actions and desires, to define what is pleasurable, and even to define what sex is. Our sexual scripts are created when we absorb messages from the culture and society around us, including our family, friends, church, movies, internet and even pornography. Our sexual scripts are such a deep and integral part of us that it can be difficult to recognize what they are. Some examples of sexual scripts are: "Sex is bad," "Good girls don't," "Takewhat you want," "If I'm not having sex frequently, I'm not a man," "If I'm having sex too often, I'm a slut," "I got my partner aroused, now I need to finish the job," "Sex will make him/her want to stay with me," "Dressing that way means you want sex." When former president Bill Clinton said "I did not have sex with that woman," it prompted Americans to examine their sexual script on the definition sex. Before that, we thought we knew what sex was! Clinton was saying that intercourse was the only thing that counted as sex. I hope you will take time to examine your sexual scripts. Think about the messages you received about sex from the society and cultural around you. Do you agree with those messages? Are they useful in your life? Which messages do you want to discard? What do you want to add? Bringing your sexual scripts into awareness is a way of taking ownership of your sexuality, which is an important part of your sexual health. Dr. Mary Goebel-Komala is a clinical psychologist who has been doing general practice for 18 years and is now qualified to treat sexual issues. She can be reached at marygkomala@gmail.com.