More about sexual scripts

Just like a script tells an actor how to behave on stage, our sexual scripts guide us in how to behave sexually. Our scripts have titles. These titles are a basic belief that we hold. Examples of script titles are: "Sex is bad," "Men should be ready to have intercourse at a moment's notice," "A woman who enjoys sex too much is a slut." Some of the sources of our sexual scripts are obvious. We are aware of teachings from our church or parents, messages from our peer group, portrayals in movies. Sometimes it takessome detective work to identify the source of a script. When I was first married, I had a script titled "A wife should make breakfast for her husband every morning." Where that script camefrom is a mystery. My mother did not make breakfast for my father. This is an example of how scripts can be absorbed from the society and culture around us without our awareness. One man I knew had a script that was titled "Men should enjoy sex with people they just met." His script guided him in how to act this out. He went to a bar. Started a conversation witha woman. Bought her drinks. Flirted. Invited her to his apartment. After their sexual encounter (his first one like this), he felt awful. He found the sex to be very unsatisfying. The experiencecaused him to examine whether this sexual script was right for him. He decided that it wasn't. After some self-reflection, he realized that in the future he only wanted to have sex withsomeone he cared about. The title of his new script was "Sex with someone I care about is more pleasant and satisfying." Improving our sexual health involves becoming aware of our sexual scripts and deciding which ones to keep, modify or discard. We feel best when we take ownership of our sexuality,doing what is right for us instead of doing what has been dictated to us by others. Dr. Mary Goebel-Komala is a clinical psychologist who has been doing general practice for 18 years and is now qualified to treat sexual issues. She can be reached at marygkomala@gmail.com.