Feeling pressured to attend a holiday gathering?

The holidays can often be a source of conflict but this year, thanks to the coronavirus pandemic, tensions may be especially high. For those who might be feeling pressured to attend a Thanksgiving gathering or do something else that doesn't feel safe, mental health experts offered some tips on how to set boundaries. Niki Sidle, a therapist and outpatient counselor team lead at Family Resource Center, said it's a topic she is discussing "on a near-daily basis" with clients. "There's just a lot of stress" around the holidays this year, she said. Sidle said setting boundaries is something that is "sometimes really hard for people to do," especially if you are a "people pleaser." She said most of us aren't taught how to do this as children, especially when "up against strong, tough-minded people." Larry Betts, technology lead at the nonprofit recovery center Focus, said setting boundaries is about making sure people "know clearly what you are and aren't willing to do." He said a lot of people think setting boundaries is the same thing as "creating rules." But, he said, it's creating rules for yourself, not for someone else. Sidle, too, said people may view this as a "harsh restriction," but it's not. It's about "protecting our energy and prioritizing our mental health and wellness." Nancy Stephani calls setting boundaries "healthy self-care": If you don't take care of yourself, you are no good to anyone else. Stephani is an outpatient therapist at Firelands Counseling and Recovery Center in Fostoria and Fremont, and on professional staff at the Ohio State University at Lima. And Betts said it's always important to set, communicate and maintain boundaries — not just this year during the pandemic. But he said this pandemic presents some new challenges in that there may be the assumption that you will go to the party and give everyone hugs, just as you have always done. But things are different this year. Sidle said it helps to set the boundary in advance. And state, in clear language, what you need. She said unmet expectations can be a big source of frustration. "Boundaries prevent burnout," she said. "Boundaries prevent being taken advantage of." It allows you to set limits, "lines you won't allow someone to cross." And, she said, boundaries may change, particularly given this pandemic and the way that, every day, we are learning something new. Betts said for some people, it's setting the boundary that's the most difficult. For others, however, it's maintaining that boundary once it has been set. If you're practicing maintaining a boundary when you are indeed in the physical presence of someone, nonverbal cues like distancing yourself or getting your keys out may help, he said. In communicating a boundary, Betts said the biggest obstacle is clarity. If you say "I might want to …," then the other person may interpret it as having some wiggle room. It's clearer to say simply, "I will …" Focus, where Betts works, is a nonprofit center for people in recovery from mental health, substance abuse or trauma issues. Betts said it will be especially important this year for a person in recovery to set a boundary such as that they do not drink alcohol, because there have been "so many changes." And he noted that a lot of families drink over the holidays. Sidle said this pandemic has been "a major financial crisis" for many people. So, as Christmas approaches, if you can't participate in a gift exchange this year, that is OK — but say so, clearly. "Respecting each other, honoring each other's desires and wishes, is going to be so important as we approach the holidays," she said. Sidle gave another example, of setting a boundary in a conversation around politics, which could get heated. She said you can tell the other person they have a right to their opinion, "but this topic is making me uncomfortable." Then change the topic yourself — don't wait for them to do it — and if they are resistant, repeat the message. Stephani advocates not beating around the bush. "I tell people, 'I don't want to die. Please pull your mask up,'" she said. But if you prefer a different approach, you could say something like "the doctor said" not to participate in a gathering, Stephani said. After all, Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, has been saying it. And she encouraged people to find other ways to connect, such as through phone calls or Zoom. "Your loved ones wanting to see you is a good thing," Stephani said. But, she said, you can tell them that you will be first in line to visit — after the vaccine is available. Sidle said the other person may struggle with you setting a boundary. "None of us like to be told 'no,'" she said. She said it can help, if you're on the receiving end, to realize, "The boundary is not about you. … It's about the person who is setting the boundary." She gave the example of someone who might say that — because a family member said they could only help them twice a week with something — "I must have done something wrong." In fact, it's that the person setting the boundary is realizing they only have so much of themselves to give. If someone else's boundary isn't clear, ask questions to clarify it, Sidle said. And it's OK to "think about your response before you offer it." Sidle said it's also important to be honest in our communication. If you verbally say that something is fine, but your facial expression or body language clearly demonstrate you don't really feel that way, there's a conflict. If someone else expresses a boundary to you, "Just respect the boundary, whatever it might be," Betts said. Stephani said she usually tells people "Good for you for taking care of yourself." "Boundaries are a good thing. They're not a bad thing," she said. "Listen to your heart. Trust your gut."