Intimate listening makes us feel heard

Feeling really heard by our beloved makes us feel more loved and more secure in the relationship. In a fairytale world, communication is always easy. Unfortunately, in the real world it takes hard work. When important messages are not getting through to your beloved, try this technique: Let your partner talk while you deeply listen. (Yes, I'm saying LISTEN when it is you who is not feeling heard!) Imagine yourself in your partner's world. See yourself through your partner's eyes. After a few minutes, paraphrase what your partner said and ask if you got it right. Ask your partner, "Is this what you want me to understand?" Then switch roles. The next step is to find areas where you both agree. To do this, get more specific. For example, one partner might say, "You never do the dishes." The other partner says, "I do the dishes." It sounds like they live in two different households! But if they get more specific, they get to a message they can both agree on and work with. The more specific message might be, "You do the dishes before you go to bed if I didn't get them done after dinner. I want you to help me clean up the kitchen right after dinner so I can relax with you on the couch for a bit." If they had stayed at the general level of "You never do the dishes/Yes I do," the couple would go round and round forever. Listen for what your partner meant, not what they said. "You never do the dishes" really can't mean the person "never" did the dishes. They certainly did the dishes at least once. If you want to keep the argument going, then argue over the truth of the word "never." If you want to achieve harmony with your beloved and make them feel loved, then seek further for the meaning of the message. Rather than pushing away your partner's grievances, welcome them as gifts that, when worked through, increase relationship satisfaction for both of you. Goebel-Komala, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist who has been doing general practice for 18 years and is now qualified to treat relationship and sexual issues. She can be reached at 419-889-7807.