Family betrayal leaves no room for reconciliation

Dear Annie: For 32 years, I've been married to a wonderful partner who comes from a loving family. There was a crisis a year ago when my spouse was on business, and while they were working to get back home, our families stepped up to support us. A relative of my partner's showed particular concern, which surprised me. I care about this individual, but we were never especially tight. I sincerely appreciated their help and offered similar support if ever needed, and their tone curiously changed. Shortly before my partner's return, this relative privately requested the "support" I'd promised: They confessed they were attracted to me and wanted a secret relationship! I was morally offended and didn't see how they figured I'd agree. Aside from loving my spouse, I'm notably old-fashioned. I'm unapologetically closed-minded in my opinion that infidelity is just plain wrong, and I don't need to explain why. I kept calm and rebuffed them, and they seemed resigned. Later, they reappeared to remind me of the "sacrifice" of their "support" during my spouse's and my tough time and faulted me for their feelings and for failing to discourage them (I'd caught them staring in years past but purposely acted unaware to avoid awkwardness, and at those times, I informed my spouse). I'm not responsible for this person's feelings and thought it underhanded to resort to these baseless claims. We both volleyed insults, ending with their vow to ruin my marriage; they then slandered me to my partner and their family, digging up an unrelated, settled disagreement to "prove" these lies. Their campaign went nowhere, but the exchange left me mortified. This relative and I were never ride-or-die but their cruelty — serving to hurt my partner and family as much as me - is inexcusable. I informed my partner of the provoking event, and we've kept it between us to spare needless hurt for other loved ones with their own struggles who don't need more drama. It's understood this relative is going through a lot and it can't be taken to heart, and I feel this is sufficient. Still, I'm trying to reconcile with the breakdown between me and someone I've called family for many years. I see them at gatherings now and don't know how to act. They keep their distance. Maybe they're quietly ashamed (or not). Even if they tried to fix what they did, I don't know if this betrayal can, or should, be fixed. At the risk of sounding haughty, my partner's and my life choices have left us more accomplished than this family member. I maintain a professional demeanor and can indefinitely. It's hurtful to be near them. I can't view them the same way. I'm in counseling for my own benefit (not specifically because of this). I've discussed it there, and my therapist's best solution is to continue keeping distance. I do. I accept they're dealing with serious personal issues, but the heartbreak of their behavior is slow to dissipate. Annie, I'd greatly value your perspective. Fidelity-Shamed and Stunned Dear Fidelity-Shamed: You've handled this situation as maturely as anyone possibly could, shutting down what this family member inappropriately proposed and then being honest with your partner about what happened. For them to point the finger back at you and try to take down your character and your marriage says everything about who they are. Betrayal, especially from a family member, is painful, but you aren't under any obligation to reconcile things. I echo your therapist's advice to keep your distance and prioritize your peace. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.