Breaking the cycle

Dear Annie: I'm a 44-year-old autistic man living in Montana. I am happily involved with a woman who has five kids, ages 12 to 24. My question is about breaking unhealthy patterns. Growing up, my family often held grudges against me for my past mistakes, even when I've admitted my faults and failures. Now I find myself doing the same with my stepkids, holding onto their mistakes longer than I should. Everyone says that because I am disabled with autism that I am a nobody. Yet I am finishing my doctorate degree in psychology. I am so confused. I'm trying to make sense of who I really am and who I want to be. How can I break that cycle? How can I stop repeating the same patterns I was raised with? Confused in Montana Dear Confused: First off, you are not a nobody. You're a partner and a parent with your doctorate nearly in hand. Despite the challenges you've faced, you've overcome them, striving to be better than those who raised you, than who you were yesterday. That takes strength.The fact that you recognize this pattern and wish to change it already says a lot. Most people can't even do that, so kudos to you. Awareness is good; now take it a step further. When you feel yourself losing patience or holding onto your stepkids' stumbles, remember to separate the here and now from the pain of your childhood. Your kiddos deserve the grace, compassion and acceptance you didn't get. You can't change your past, but you can be the person for these kids that you never had. From the sound of it, you already are. Dear Annie: I have two granddaughters six years apart in age, one a teenager, one a young adult. For a number of unfortunate reasons, the older sister is quite hostile and unkind toward the younger sister. She is extremely envious of any positive attention her little sister gets. This has not improved over time. The older sister did not have many of the advantages that the younger sister has had. The older sister did not graduate from high school, but she got her GED. The younger sister is thriving in high school, in fact, is set to graduate a year early, and has earned several academic awards.Graduation is coming up, with a small family celebratory dinner afterward. Honestly, I'm having fantasies of gently suggesting the older sister not come. She will not be there to celebrate her younger sister. The experience will fuel her envy, and I don't think she will be able to resist making mean comments to and about her little sister. Plus, I want to be able to celebrate my youngest granddaughter, but I feel constrained about doing that given how the older one feels. I also don't want to be critical of the big sister in this situation where she'll already be hurting a lot.Do you have any advice? The Green-Eyed Monster Dear Green-Eyed Monster: It's easy to see where you're coming from, but disinviting the older sister would likely fuel further resentment. Having a gentle discussion with her beforehand would be the kinder approach. Consider telling her, "This event is meant to celebrate your sister. If that's something you can't fully support right now, it's OK to sit this one out." That gives her a choice, but with boundaries, and makes the expectations for the evening clear. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com