How to deal with a smother mother

Dear Annie: I have a frustrating problem with my mother. I'm 40 years old, but she still treats me like I'm a teenager. She expects me to answer every call immediately and freaks out if I'm unavailable, often roping in my cousin to text me if I don't respond since my mom doesn't know how.This has been going on since I was a teen. When I was 18, I was expected to call when I left or arrived anywhere. I once forgot to call her after leaving a bookstore, and by the time I got to the library, I was accosted by three separate employees saying my mother had been calling. My aunt and cousin think it's a cute story, not infuriating like I do.Last year, I mentioned I was heading to Walmart. Remember that I'm 40. I didn't check my phone for 10 whole minutes, and in that short time, my mom called several times and had our cousin text to "see if I was OK."Most recently, I missed a text and then a call from my cousin -- she was picking me up -- because my phone was on silent after I got home from work and I'd stepped into the bathroom. My mom later confronted me about the "stunt" I pulled, how it was so rude I'd done that and told my cousin they shouldn't pick me up anymore.How do I explain to her that she's suffocating me? I know she worries, but I'm 40 years old. I'm not a highly sought after princess the world is about to kidnap at any moment; I'm just another random person, not a highly coveted commodity. The more she does this, the more she pushes me away. Smothered in a Small Town Dear Smothered: You're right to want some breathing room. No matter your age, your mom will always love and worry about you, but her anxiety shouldn't steamroll your independence.The best way forward is to calmly communicate your boundaries. Let your mother know that you know she means well, but her overprotection has become exhausting and overwhelming. Be clear about what you need -- fewer calls, less panic and simply more trust in you. You're 40. You know how to take care of yourself, and you don't have to justify being unavailable now and then. Dear Annie: I just read your letter to the daughter who was estranged from her parents, and I feel the daughter's pain. Her story is very similar to mine.I was angry at both my parents. But I deeply regret the 20-odd years of distance.My mom died in 2011 at age 88. My dad passed in 2021 at age 98. At least I got to spend five years helping to care for him, connecting and bonding in ways that we didn't earlier.I could've stepped in more and helped my mother, but I let anger block that way to healing.I helped my friends with their aging parents. And I hoped that it would count somehow ...There's life experience, and then there's regret. Are you somebody sitting in the movie theater, watching the movie of your life, or are you the director of your life?If your parents are still alive, there is still time to make sure you don't have any regrets when they pass. Lessons I've Learned Dear Lessons: Thank you for sharing your perspective on anger, forgiveness and regret. Though every person's journey will be different when it comes to navigating parental relationships, time is something we can never get back. Whether you want to converse, reconcile or even just hear their voice -- once they are gone, it will be too late. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.