When a call for help goes sideways

Dear Annie: My sister lives across the country and recently lost her husband. She doesn't have much of a support system nearby, and she's not in good health and can't get around well at all. She can barely take care of herself, never mind her little dog. Her home has serious issues because it's been poorly maintained. I haven't been able to go see her, but even if I could visit, I wouldn't be much help with the house problems. Still, I care deeply about her and worry about her mental and physical health. I call her several times a week, but lately, I've grown more concerned. I reached out to someone I know who occasionally visits her, hoping they could give me a better sense of how she's really doing. That person never called me back -- but they did call my sister and told her I'd called them. My sister told this third party not to contact me. Now she's upset with me for "going behind her back," and we haven't spoken in over a week. I can understand why she might be upset with me, but my call wasn't done out of malice. I'm genuinely concerned for her welfare. I just wanted to make sure she was OK. Now our relationship is strained. Was it wrong to contact someone else out of concern for her safety and health? Worried and Shutout Dear Worried and Shutout: You weren't wrong. From a distance, it can be hard to tell how serious a situation is, and your heart was in the right place. Still, it's understandable why your sister felt blindsided. Having someone check up on her without her knowledge probably felt embarrassing and like a breach of trust. And since she's still coping with the loss of her husband, she's likely feeling more vulnerable these days. It's not so much about who was right or wrong as it is about moving past this incident and mending your relationship. Send your sister a message, not to defend yourself or rehash what happened, but simply to say you're sorry for upsetting her and that when she's ready to reconnect, you'll be there. It may take her some time to get back on the same page, but with space and grace, I'm sure she'll come around. Dear Annie: I've read a lot of letters in your column about unhappy marriages, especially long-term ones. My partner and I have been married 33 years and have been through everything possible, from raising three kids to starting new jobs, going from barely paying the bills to becoming very comfortable in retirement. We've certainly had our challenges along the way and plenty of nasty arguments, but we've always stayed together for our marriage and our family. Today, we're both retired and life is the best it's ever been. We do everything together. Both in our late 60s, we still have great sex. These days, going with each other to doctors appointments and lunch is top of the list, and we are very happy. If my wife is babysitting our grandkids, we text each other or I go with her. We are very active and enjoy life together. I still get excited to see her. Even at her age, I don't look at other women: They aren't as hot as my wife. To those out there who have their doubts, marriage does work. It isn't always easy, but the rewards are worth the effort. Still Smitten Dear Still Smitten: Thank you for your beautiful letter. It sounds like you and your wife learned early on that no marriage is perfect, but the strongest, most successful ones are built on patience and persistence. It takes work, but when both people keep showing up for each other and choose to invest in love, they're often left with a bond that's deeply rewarding and stands the test of time. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.