Divorced mom wonders if she still needs to celebrate her ex

Dear Annie: My husband and I finalized our divorce in April after nearly a year of separation. I'm at a loss as to what to do now when it comes to my ex's birthday and Father's Day. We share an 8-year-old son who is severely autistic, so when it comes to holidays and whatnot, everything is my doing with only a little assistance from our boy. In the past, I always made sure to mark these occasions. But for context, I initiated the divorce because I felt like a married but single mom and couldn't take it anymore, feeling like I had two "kids." On my recent birthday, my ex took our son on a weekend trip. I asked if they could stop and pick me up something at one of my favorite shops while they were out of town. Instead, I got something that clearly came from a gas station, likely on the way home. Last year, I got gray hand towels. For Mother's Day, I received nothing except the card our son made at school. If I say anything about my disappointment, I know I'll just be told these gifts are what our son picked out, which is probably only half-true at best. After this past Mother's Day, I did tell my ex that if he expected recognition from us on Father's Day, it must go both ways. I got a meek apology from him, but I'm not hopeful of any real change. I don't want to do nothing for him, but I also don't want to keep rewarding his behavior and keep feeling like the only one trying. Any advice on how I should handle these events now and in the future as we adjust to our new normal? Tired of Doing It All Dear Tired: It sounds like you've carried the bulk of the load for your family for a long time, so your resentment makes perfect sense. The fact that you still want to show your ex grace and respect, mostly for your son's sake, speaks volumes about the kind of mother you are.Now that he's no longer your husband, you're not obligated to keep showing up in the same ways you always have. When it comes to gifts like these, it really is the thought that counts. Helping your son pick out or make a card for his dad is more than enough and a heartfelt way to support your son's relationship with his father without overextending yourself.As for your ex, it's time to adjust your expectations. He's shown you repeatedly, both during your marriage and now in divorce, where his priorities lie — it's largely what led you to leave him. From here on out, focus on what you can control. It's a losing battle to dwell on what you hope he'll eventually do or wish he'd done all along. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com