Woman doesn't want to give advice anymore

Dear Annie: I enjoy reading your advice and hope you have some for me.I've always been the person people come to with their problems. I'm told I'm a good listener, likely because of my own counseling journey. I often suggest therapy or AA to others, especially when addiction is involved.I grew up in an abusive, alcoholic environment and have seen lives destroyed by alcohol — friends who've died, one who killed his girlfriend while driving drunk, and my best friend's husband, who was killed by a drunk driver. I've worked hard to move past those memories, so I don't like hearing more stories like these.I always tell people I don't like alcohol because of everything I've been through, hoping they'll take that as a boundary. But many still unload their drinking-related trauma on me.I don't want to be in the listener role anymore. I'm also caring for a husband with dementia — something my friends know — yet they often want to talk for hours about their own issues. I rarely feel the same concern or comfort in return, only more requests for help.What should I say the next time the same very insecure person wants me to listen to yet another story about how drinking is ruining their life? Dragged Down by Drinking Dear Dragged Down: You've been a patient and supportive friend, not just listening to others, but pointing them toward real help. The person you need to support now is yourself. You've tried to set boundaries only for your friends to consistently cross the lines you've drawn. The next time someone tries to unload their baggage, tell them kindly but firmly, "I've seriously struggled with alcohol in the past and have done a lot of work to get myself to the place I'm in today. I love and am here for you, but I can't have these sorts of conversations," and change the topic. You don't owe anyone more explanation, and you've already done your fair share of listening. Now it's time to listen to yourself and what you need to continue healing. Dear Annie: I just read the letter about dealing with in-laws, and I want to share something I was told years ago.I was working in a gift shop and "Joan" worked quietly in the stock room. She was a little older than the rest of us and had a bunch of children, all married with families. She never uttered a bad word about anyone, and I thought she was a real saint! When I once asked her how she got along so well with her family she said, "I bite my tongue until it bleeds!"I have never forgotten that advice! Concerned Mom Dear Concerned: Thank you for sharing Joan's advice; it's certainly memorable, and there's wisdom in knowing when to hold your tongue.But biting your tongue too often can also come at a cost. If we never speak up, we risk bottling up resentment, enabling unhealthy behavior or missing the chance to set needed boundaries.Balance is the key. Grace and restraint are important, but so is using your voice when you need to. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com