Daughter stressed out by family life, medical school

Dear Annie: My daughter "Theresa," now 46, always wanted to be a doctor. I divorced her father when she was 4 and her sister was 2-and-a-half. When it came time for college, her father refused to help, and I couldn't afford to pay for it as a single mom.Determined, Theresa joined the Army and used the GI Bill to earn two undergraduate degrees while working full-time as a medical technician. She then earned her Master of Science with scholarships and loans. During this time, she got married and had a son, now 7. At 39, while pregnant, she applied to medical school. She used student loans to cover tuition, rent, day care and food. A few years later, she had twin girls and took a year off school to care for them.She graduated last year but now faces over $500,000 in student loans. Her husband, also a medical tech, was fired for sleeping on the job. He has no ambition to go any further in his career. They constantly argue, fight and swear in front of the kids and have separated, though still live together in one rental house because neither can afford to move out.At one point in time, after paying rent and day care with loan money, they had only $100 left a month for other bills. I visited them once in Pennsylvania and found no food in the fridge, just enough for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I'm retired and have given her my entire savings. I live only on Social Security.Theresa depended on her husband to be the kids' sole caretaker while she was in school, but he's a complete failure when it comes to raising them, simply yelling at them and playing on his phone all day. I stayed five days during another visit so Theresa could take her board exams, and her husband never left his room except to eat and shower. The kids eat poorly, throw food and are undisciplined. He has no contact with his two children from his first marriage. After a failed vasectomy reversal, Theresa conceived their kids using a sperm donor, but he has legally adopted them.Theresa completed her first year of residency in Pennsylvania but wasn't renewed due to stress, financial strain and car trouble. She's now doing rotations and applying to new residencies that will start next year, if she gets in. Meanwhile, her husband has a serious girlfriend and took a job an hour away to be near her.I've had the three kids with me in Florida this whole month while Theresa completes a rotation in Texas, but I can't keep them longer due to my retirement community's rules. I'm concerned once this month is up that the deadbeat husband will be in charge of the children again while their mother continues rotations.My daughter and her husband are completely broke. He's very depressed and lazy. My daughter is completely stressed out but still has her sights on becoming an ER doctor. What is your advice for us? How can we keep their father and his lack of parenting skills from damaging the kids further? Worried Grandma in Florida Dear Worried Grandma: Theresa's resilience is remarkable. Despite everything, she's still pushing forward — but she's running on fumes, emotionally and financially. That's not sustainable for her or the kids. If she hasn't already, Theresa should speak with a family law attorney. Her husband clearly isn't willing or able to parent, and the children's well-being must come first. She may qualify for free or sliding-scale legal aid. Formalizing the separation and securing a custody arrangement for the kids is key.She should also alert her residency adviser. Theresa can't be the first resident to face overwhelming stress, and there's probably more institutional support available than she realizes. She's also the kind of resident most programs would want to help, not lose to unfair circumstances. You've been a supportive mother and grandmother, going above and beyond, and it says so much about your heart that you want to do more. Instead, help your daughter find lasting legal, financial and emotional support. She and your grandkids deserve a home life that feels safe, consistent and loving. Getting out of this limbo will include overcoming new hurdles, but she's proven she's strong enough to handle it and come out on the other side. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com