Bridging the gap with daughters-in-law

Dear Annie: My husband and I are the proud grandparents of two beautiful granddaughters. "Lila" is 20 months old and the daughter of our son "Michael" and his wife, "Emily." "Sophie" is 10 months old and the daughter of our other son "Daniel" and his wife, "Grace."We love both girls dearly and feel so fortunate to have them in our lives. But I am having a difficult time with how our daughters-in-law are managing visits and time with us as grandparents.It feels as though we are constantly walking on eggshells, trying to be respectful and supportive, yet we still seem to be left out. Visits are infrequent or cut short, and plans are often canceled or made at the last minute. There is a sense of distance, and no matter how gently we try to communicate, we are met with coolness or hesitation. I do not know if it is about control, boundaries or something else entirely, but it is painful.We do not want to interfere or overstep. We simply want to be present, loving grandparents and have a meaningful role in our granddaughters' lives. Instead, we feel more and more on the outside, and it is beginning to strain our relationships with our sons as well.Is there anyone who can help us figure out how to navigate this situation in a way that is healthy, respectful and supportive for everyone involved? We want to do what is right — for our sons, our daughters-in-law and, most of all, our granddaughters. Hurting Grandparents Dear Hurting: First, let me say how wonderful it is that you want to be involved, loving grandparents. Your desire to show up with kindness and support is something every family should be lucky to have. That said, grandparenting today often looks very different than it did a generation ago, and it can be a tricky road to navigate.You mentioned feeling excluded and unsure why visits are limited or tense. That kind of confusion is common, especially when daughters-in-law are the gatekeepers to young families. It may not be personal, but rather a reflection of their own need for control, boundaries or simply feeling overwhelmed as new parents. While you cannot change their choices, you can focus on what you can control — your approach, your patience and your willingness to meet them where they are.You are wise to avoid pushing or making demands. Keep the lines of communication open with your sons. Let them know, gently and without guilt, how much it means to you and your husband to have a connection with your grandchildren. Ask what works best for them — timing, setting, frequency. Make it easy for them to say yes.Also remember, relationships shift and settle over time. Babies grow, routines change and what feels like distance today may soften with time and trust.If you feel that your offers are always met with resistance, consider writing a kind, nonjudgmental note to each daughter-in-law. Express your love for the family, acknowledge the stress of parenting little ones and simply say you would love to spend more time with them when it works. Then leave the door open.In short: Stay gracious, stay steady and stay present. Children are smart. As they grow, they will feel who is cheering for them and who is showing up with love. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.