Always on the Gift List, Not the Guest List

Dear Annie: I was invited to, and attended, both an engagement party and a bridal shower. I spent a bit of money on gifts for both. I wasn't invited to the wedding, which hurt me somewhat, but I understood the couple was trying to keep it small. Now, two years later, I've been invited to the baby shower. While I'm happy for this couple, I can't help but feel like I'm being used as a money/gift grab. On top of that, I never received a thank-you note or acknowledgment for the previous gifts I gave.Am I being selfish or being taken advantage of? Thanks for hearing me out. Feeling Used Dear Feeling Used: You're not being selfish; you're being honest about how you feel. Keeping a guest list small is one thing, but not being thanked for your generosity — and also being left out on the big day — would leave anyone disheartened.If you'd like to show support for the baby and mom-to-be, you could attend the shower with a card and simply your presence. If that still doesn't sit right, a polite decline is perfectly acceptable. You don't owe anyone a gift out of guilt. Real celebrations are about love and connection, not tallying up what people bring. Dear Annie: I've been married to my husband for 25 years. My mother-in-law is not a nice woman. She will be lovely to someone's face but then talk trash about them the moment they leave.Over the years, she has repeatedly stopped talking to my husband over stupid things, like him not texting to check in on her or stopping by for a visit. Sometimes she'll go months without speaking to him.Two years ago, I had an operation that led to major complications. I ended up on life support, developed heart failure and spent more than six months in the hospital. Since then, I've been hospitalized four more times. During one of those stays, my husband called his mother because he was overwhelmed and stressed about my condition. Her advice? That he'd be better off if he left me.Now my husband hasn't spoken to her in six months. I'm sure they'll talk again at some point soon, but I have no desire to have a relationship with her after all this. What is your advice? No Love Lost Dear No Love Lost: I don't blame you for not wanting a relationship with this woman. What she said was cold and cruel, and her pattern of pettiness and silent treatment toward her own son isn't OK either. Given everything you've been through, your health has to come first. Protecting yourself from added stress isn't selfish — it's necessary.Your husband clearly loves you, and it sounds like he's reaching his breaking point with his mother on his own. If he chooses to rekindle that relationship someday, that's his decision. But you don't have to follow his lead. Some people are just too toxic to allow space for at all. As painful as that is to accept, you owe it to yourself to preserve your peace of mind. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com