When Ambition and Emotions Clash

Dear Annie: I've been dating a man, "Daniel," for about a year. He's kind, reliable and has a great relationship with his family. I care about him a lot, but there's something that keeps nagging at me. He's never been very ambitious. He works a steady job, pays his bills, but doesn't seem interested in growing professionally. He often says he's "comfortable," and while I respect that, I come from a family where drive and progress are expected. I've worked hard to build my own career, and I want a partner who's also striving for more. When I gently bring this up, he says he supports my goals but doesn't feel the need to "chase titles or money." I'm not asking him to change who he is, but I do worry we're not aligned in a deeper way. Is it unfair of me to want more from him professionally? Or am I trying to change someone who's already told me he's happy with where he is? Wondering About the Future Dear Wondering: Ambition is universally attractive, so it makes sense that you want your man to strive for more — whatever that means to him. You didn't mention children, but if you have kids or plan to have them, it's all the more reasonable to consider your financial stability and future. He isn't wrong for being comfortable. But if you find yourself hoping he'll change — or quietly resenting that he won't — you're setting both of you up for frustration. You need to decide if his steady presence is something you can build a life around, or if it's something you'll always feel is holding you back. Love can bridge a lot, but it can't erase misalignment in long-term goals. Dear Annie: I'm in a relationship with someone who has experienced a lot of personal losses throughout their life. Whenever that happens, I usually try to keep to myself and hold back my own feelings for a while to allow him to mourn. Recently, an incident occurred at my job and I'm unsure if I will be terminated or not. I've been in limbo for the last few weeks in terms of my employment status. While I've been dealing with this, my partner lost a cousin. I have tried to be there even more for him this time around, but I'm still sad about my own situation. Today, he yelled at me and told me I'm overreacting about "a job" and that I shouldn't be more upset about that than he is about his cousin's death. Since then, I've chosen to stay away from home as much as possible because I can't control my sadness no matter how hard I try. I don't think it's fair for him to try to measure how I should be feeling about this situation, but I also don't want more yelling or another fight. Am I being selfish? Thank you. Hurting, Too Dear Hurting, Too: No, you're not being selfish. You're absolutely right — it isn't fair for your partner to measure your anxiety against his grief. It's not a competition; you're both going through hard, heavy situations. Both of you are valid and deserve support. What isn't OK is him yelling at you or belittling your feelings. A healthy relationship means both of you can hurt and heal at the same time, even in different ways. Instead of dismissing you, he should be your safe space. Rather than avoiding him, have a calm but firm conversation. Assure him that you understand and respect his grief but that your own stress — about your career and your livelihood — is real, too. Ask for compassion, not comparison. If he can't offer that, you should seriously consider whether this relationship gives you the support you need and deserve. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com