Choosing Yourself at Last

Dear Annie: I have been married nearly 30 years. I met my husband when I was 20, and since then, my life has revolved around caring for our children, two of whom have developmental disabilities, and for him. He has long struggled with mental health issues and has been unable to work for most of our marriage. During these decades, I have carried the responsibility of supporting our family emotionally, financially and practically. My husband, meanwhile, has received disability benefits, inheritance money and tens of thousands of dollars from his relatives, yet he has kept every bit for himself. He also battles a gambling problem. Around the house, he contributed very little, and in the past, he was physically abusive. That abuse once resulted in a restraining order and a year of separation after he spent a night in jail. For more than 10 years, I have dreamed of taking an extended vacation in Europe. I want to bring the whole family, or anyone who wishes to join. But my husband refuses to go. He insists his anxiety makes travel impossible, and he will not consider alternative arrangements. He has no friends he could stay with, and he cannot rely on his family for support. I feel trapped between his limitations and my own longing for freedom. Here is my struggle: I feel like life has passed me by. I have given my entire adult life to caring for everyone else and missed out on so many experiences. I am running out of time, and I am desperate for this chance. Am I wrong to go without him? Would it be cruel to leave him behind, even just for a while? Part of me fears being selfish, but another part says I have already given more than enough. Desperate for Time Dear Desperate for Time: Selfish? Not at all. That guilty feeling is exactly what an abuser wants you to carry so you will keep putting yourself last. For 30 years, you have held a family together, raised children with special needs, and managed a husband who gambled, hoarded money and, at times, was violent. That is not selfishness. That is sacrifice. You deserve joy. Take the trip. Eat the croissant. Let yourself live. And please, do not dismiss the abuse you have endured. Even past abuse leaves scars. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 for guidance and support. You have carried more than your share. Now it is time to carry a passport for yourself. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.