Keeping the peace at Thanksgiving

Dear Annie: Every year, Thanksgiving turns into a tug-of-war in my family. My siblings and I all live within driving distance of our parents, but the holiday always comes with arguments about who's hosting, who's cooking and which in-laws get priority. This year feels worse than ever. My sister insists that everyone come to her house, but my brother refuses because of something she said last year. My parents just want peace but are too afraid to pick sides. I want us all together, but I also dread another holiday full of tension, whispered complaints and people leaving early in a huff. How do I keep Thanksgiving from turning into a battlefield without feeling like the referee? Weary Turkey Dear Weary: You are not the United Nations. Stop trying to broker world peace at the dinner table. Thanksgiving should be about gratitude, not grudge-holding. Let each adult take responsibility for their own choices; if they don't want to come, that's on them. You can host with warmth, set clear boundaries and refuse to play referee. Invite everyone, but don't twist arms. Whoever shows up gets your best stuffing and your best self. Whoever stays away will miss the pumpkin pie and maybe realize next year that family drama isn't worth more than family. Dear Annie: I love my family, but every gathering turns into a drama. My mother criticizes my sister, my sister snaps back and before long I'm stuck in the middle trying to keep the peace. I leave these visits emotionally drained and sometimes wonder why I keep showing up. I don't want to cut ties, but I also don't want to spend every weekend refereeing arguments that have nothing to do with me. How do I set boundaries with my family without becoming the "bad guy"? Tired of the Drama Dear Tired of the Drama: The only role you are required to play in this family production is yourself. You are not the referee, mediator or emotional punching bag. The healthiest boundary you can set is simply this: "I will not stay in the middle."When the arguments start, excuse yourself. Step outside, clear dishes or politely say, "I am not getting involved." It may feel awkward at first, but you will be amazed at how quickly people stop dragging you in once they realize you will not play along.Boundaries do not make you the bad guy. They make you a healthier, calmer version of yourself. You can still love your family while refusing to absorb their conflicts. Love does not mean sacrificing your peace. It means protecting it so you have something real to offer when the dust settles. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.