Daughter-in-law's sticky fingers makes trusting her hard

Dear Annie: My 54-year-old son recently married his childhood sweetheart with whom he had a son 36 years ago. They never married before but kept in touch because of their son. Unfortunately, their boy was killed in an auto accident four years ago. I've loosely kept in touch with my new daughter-in-law all this time. Last year, she stole a debit card from me and emptied one of my bank accounts. She was caught and has been reimbursing me but still owes about half the amount she stole. Recently I noticed that some of my jewelry was missing and I initially suspected another person of taking it. However, my daughter-in-law has now been arrested and charged with theft of an expensive item that belonged to an elderly woman, so I now suspect her of taking my jewelry. When I questioned my son about this latest theft for which she'd been arrested, he said his wife's co-worker did it and that his wife only got charged because she was the one who pawned the item. Of course, she's lost all credibility with me, but I don't know how to handle things with my son. I know he's deeply in love with her. He's forgiven her for the debit card theft and appears to believe her story about this latest theft. I love my son and don't want to alienate him, but at the same time, I cannot see having a relationship with his now wife. I've just been made aware of this last theft and have not seen or talked to the daughter-in-law since. What should be my next step? Sticky Fingers Dear Sticky Fingers: Trust takes years to build, seconds to break and forever to repair. You can stay cordial with your DIL for your son's sake, but you're under no obligation to extend your trust to her again after she's proven to be so careless with it. Keep your boundaries firm and your valuables secure. Don't let her near your money, jewelry or accounts again. If you truly believe she stole your jewelry, file a police report and let the authorities handle it.Don't turn this into an ultimatum with your son. Tell him you love him, but you're done putting yourself at risk. He's made his choice, and now you have to make yours. Put your own safety and peace of mind first. Dear Annie: I've enjoyed your column for some time. After reading the letter from "Blessed but Bothered," who was tired of hearing comments from other relatives about the way she and her immediate family spend their money, I feel there was a missed teaching moment. Especially when the in-laws' kids chime in, another approach could be a quick lesson or mention of priorities and budgeting. "Yes, we enjoyed our trip — and when you're making your own money, you can save up and go there, too!" Or, "When you are grown up and making money, you get to choose exactly how to spend it, just like we do and your parents do." The parents might not be open to educating their kids, but perhaps this mini-lesson followed by a meaningful glance to the adults can stop these kinds of comments. Thanks for all you do. Financial Food for Thought Dear Food for Thought: You're absolutely right. "Blessed" and her husband can quietly show their family's youngsters how money can be used to build the kind of life they want. The other parents may make different financial decisions, but their choices can serve as exposure on how to break that mold. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com