Love extended but not returned

Dear Annie: Hoping you can offer some advice! My son has been married for six years to a beautiful girl who rarely speaks to us and acts as though we don't exist. Her distance has gotten much worse over time, and we have no idea why. We love her and are just as kind to her as we are to our other kids and their wives. My husband and I are so sad. This has broken our hearts. We haven't said anything because we don't want to upset our son, but lately even he appears unhappy with her attitude toward us. When we've referred to her as our daughter — as we do our other daughter-in-law, who loves the title — she'll say, "No, thank you. I already have a mom and dad." We've always felt as parents ourselves that you can NEVER have too many people to love your child, so we were quite hurt by that. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. She's so cold and distant toward us that even our friends and family have noticed and commented. We are good people, we stay out of our kids' business and we keep our opinions to ourselves. Our motto is, "If you want our thoughts, you'll have to ask for them." We don't meddle or cause waves ever, yet she continues to find ways to fault us for things. It's completely unsubstantiated, but it persists! It's to the point I have so much anxiety that I've considered seeking out a therapist. This DIL is so unapproachable, so to avoid conflict, we just sweep EVERYTHING under the rug to avoid causing our sweet son any grief.Please let us know if you have any advice. Our hearts are broken! Boy Momma Dear Boy Momma: You sound like a warm, openhearted woman, which makes this kind of tension with your daughter-in-law especially painful. Her definition of "family" seems different from yours, and no matter how welcoming you and your husband are, nothing will change if she isn't willing to bend.Keep being kind, but stop chasing her approval. Be pleasant when you see her and keep things light, but focus on the relationship you have with your son. You said he's started noticing her behavior, too; let him take charge on how to handle it. It's his marriage and ultimately his to manage.And yes, talking to a therapist is a great idea. At the very least, it'll give you a safe place to unload your pain and maybe even give you some tools to cope with her coldness. Dear Annie: I've been married to my husband, "Gabe," for over 30 years. He's never been a very good partner. We have two daughters who I've given my life to while he contributed very little to raising them. Our adult daughters treat me like garbage and put their dad on a pedestal. These girls are absolutely horrible to me, and I can't take it anymore. Gabe never has my back with them. I never thought I would be in such a horrible marriage where he lets our kids speak to and treat me like a second-class citizen. What are your thoughts? Just Over It Dear Just Over It: It's no wonder you're fed up. You've spent decades doing the heavy lifting, being both mom and dad to your girls, and getting very little in return.The second-class treatment ends now. You can't control your family's behavior, but you can control their access to you. Set boundaries and stick to them. Don't argue, don't beg and don't tolerate disrespect. Disengage. When they start in, end the conversation. When they need something, decide if it's worth your energy.If you can, talk to a counselor to help you work through the years of hurt and frustration. You've been last on the list for long enough. It's time to move yourself to the top. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com