Police families support one another

Disclaimer: This article references suicide. If you or someone you know is struggling, you can reach the 988 Lifeline at any time of day or night by dialing or texting 988. It's also possible to chat with someone online at 988lifeline.org. FINDLAY — Seven law enforcement officers have died by suicide in this area within the last seven years. As they confront these losses along with the daily stresses of a family life unlike most, law enforcement families are working to let one another know they are not alone. Upon leaving the sixth funeral, Amy Cortez told her husband, Hancock County Sheriff Michael Cortez, she wanted to reach families. She created a podcast, "Code Forty4," to make sure other law enforcement families have the resources they need. In the initial episode, Cortez recalls a family drive past a particular neighborhood that her daughter described as beautiful. Her husband shared that he had responded to a fatal accident involving teenagers at the location. This kind of thing is common, Cortez said. An intersection, a sound, a smell — anything can trigger a memory of a trauma. Families may notice little signs or shifts in their loved one's mood, but not know how to name those signs. "But they're real," she said. "They're there. And they're in the silence." An avid podcast listener, Cortez chose this medium so she could meet people where they are at, in their own homes. Code Forty4 is available in both video and audio format. It launched in November 2025. Cortez has already had viewers as far away as Spain. Local families have approached her in the grocery store to say they have learned a lot. She has also started a local support group for families of first responders. "We are all just there supporting each other, going, 'Hey, there's no shame in what you feel and we're here to support you,'" she said. That sense that you're not alone is key, said Teresa White, director of the Fort Findlay FOP Lodge 20 Foundation. The nonprofit organization exists to support all law enforcement officers who live or work in Hancock County, along with their families. Before working to develop the foundation, which began operation in 2021, White had volunteered for the Findlay lodge of the Fraternal Order of Police since 2004. She has been married for 20 years to Findlay Police Officer Brian White. "Being in a support role can be very lonely," and spouses of police officers may encounter issues that other friends simply won't understand. White said it can be especially stressful and lonely at first. "I want to be who I needed (back then), and that's a driving force," she said. The foundation serves law enforcement families regardless of agency. While the specifics may differ, White said families of Findlay police officers, Hancock County sheriff's deputies, Ohio State Highway Patrol troopers and others encounter similar issues, and it helps to talk amongst each other. "I try hard to make sure that those safety nets are formed before we need them," she said. Each family, too, has to "come up with that infrastructure," she said. "How are you going to deal with this? Do you have a code word with your spouse?" She said a common frustration she hears from other wives is that their husbands don't talk to them. She encourages families to "have those conversations" before things get bad. No one can anticipate all their needs over a 30-year career, but building that "infrastructure" will help with figuring out how to handle them. If your loved one is a first responder, it's safe to "assume that they see trauma all the time," Cortez said. Families often say that, when they go into a restaurant with a law enforcement officer, "They're always the one that position themselves in the back corner, with their back against the wall, and that's really not by accident. ... They are constantly in fight-or-flight mode, always assessing the risk and the situation," she said. She advocates regular checkups for mental health, just like regular dental checkups. That way, she said, it may be easier to identify small concerns before they become larger ones. In the podcast, Cortez also explores ways officers and their families can take care of themselves and each other at home. For example, she interviewed a breathing coach who explained how breathing exercises can get the nervous system out of fight-or-flight mode. If an officer is not ready to see a clinician, families can start by doing these exercises in the meantime. The breathing coach talked about how first responders tend, when in "fight or flight," to breathe quickly, high in their chest. Cortez noted that that's also how people breathe when having a panic attack. The breathing coach walked Cortez through how to breathe lower in her body, from her diaphragm, and more slowly. Research has found that changing your breathing like this can calm a person both psychologically and physiologically. Cortez said she hadn't felt particularly stressed the day she worked with the breath coach, but found that the deep breathing exercise changed her thought process that day. "We have to normalize the conversation and say, truly, it's OK not to be OK," Cortez said. "The things that they see – you know, their body is truly having a normal response to an abnormal situation." White said police spouses talk often about the struggles of "non-single, single parenthood." That is, children might have sports or doctors' appointments on opposite sides of town and, while the family had planned for one parent to drive each child, suddenly the law enforcement officer needs to stay later at work than anticipated because of an emergency, leaving the other parent scrambling to figure out what to do. "There are little things that you can do – like always use dark meat chicken, because that will hold and reheat really well," White said. "But that's not going to help you figure out how to get two kids to two different places on two different sides of town. And that wears on you. It wears on you after a while." Then there are the family gatherings where one uncle might say something like, "Oh, that husband of yours, not around again? Do we ever actually get to meet him?" Law enforcement officers will work weekends and holidays throughout their career, White pointed out. "And that stuff, in the beginning, you're like, oh, that's no big deal," she said. "You like having Tuesdays off because nobody else has Tuesdays off, and you get peace and quiet. But then all of the sudden you've got Tuesdays off and your kids have soccer games on Saturday." Families of law enforcement officers also grapple with what, and how much, to tell their children about the job and the trauma experienced. White said she and her husband decided early on they would never lie to their kids, but they choose their words carefully. "A piece of advice I got from another police wife was, 'You would never expect your kids to sit down and eat a whole chicken. So always feed them chicken nuggets, and always let them ask for more,'" White said. "So we would give them a little bit of information that they could handle, and, if they asked for more, continue to give them a little bit of information that they could handle." Then there are the really dark things. "There are moments in your career that you will divide your career into 'before' and 'after,'" White said. "I remember Brian graduating from the academy, and you hear, 'Oh, he could get hurt.' 'No, he can't — he's Superman!'" As a younger police wife, she retained that confidence in his invincibility for some time. Then, in 2011, an officer who had been in Brian's police academy class was shot and killed in the line of duty. "And not only did he take our friend, and a husband and a father and a colleague, but he took away our sense of safety in the fact that 'It can't happen to us,'" White recalled. "Because it can, and it did … Still, every year on that day, I struggle with asking Brian not to go to work today. Still. It's been 15 years and I still remember what it felt like that morning, standing at the front door, watching him leave. I've never been so scared." A similar "before" versus "after" moment was the 2018 death by suicide of Findlay Police Officer Doug Akers, a family friend. White said so many spouses fear the loss of their husbands in the line of duty. Then, "you learn that you're more likely to lose him to that (suicide) than you are this greatest fear that you've had." It's the sort of thing that's hard to talk to anyone outside the law enforcement family about, she said: "They just don't get it." Akers was the first person White knew who died by suicide. "Doug was fabulous," White recalled. "He was a phenomenal human being, had a larger-than-life personality, and he always made me feel safe. ... And I miss him." After his death White talked with Akers' wife, Vaune, about finding a way to honor him and his service. Last year, at the "Cuffs & Stuff" fundraiser White organized, donors raised funds to fully endow a scholarship in Akers' memory. A second event is planned for March 2027, to offer continued support in the wake of the three law enforcement suicides that have occurred since then. White and Cortez urged the community to support law enforcement officers. While Cortez's podcast is aimed at spouses, she said a friend or member of a church group can offer support, too. "Have those conversations," she said. "Check in on them. Ask them how they're doing, and not in a superficial way, but in a true way." "When we count on them to take care of us, we also need to take care of them," White said. "And that can look like a lot of different things." It can include feeding officers who have had a hard day, or supporting the foundation, she said. It means not giving your own family members a hard time if they can't make a gathering because they have to work holidays. It also means refraining from calling 911 for non-emergencies, like to complain about a neighbor, as "it adds to the wear and tear and fatigue," White said. The foundation is planning events in May to mark National Police Week. White encouraged members of the public to get involved or donate. More information can be found at https://copsandkidsfindlay.org. More information on Code Forty4 can be found at https://www.codeforty4.com.