'I wouldn't change it for the world'

Carol Steegman's four grandchildren, ranging in age from eight months to 11 years old, came to live with her in 2021, when she was 52. She described it as "like starting my journey of motherhood all over again." The journey since then has been not without stress. But there has also been the joy of seeing the children grow and come into their own. At the time, the household consisted of just Steegman and her daughter, Loryn, now 18. Going from a household of two to a household of six suddenly required some adjusting. Steegman noted that the grandchildren are Loryn's nieces and nephews, "and I'm supposed to be Grandma." But suddenly, "all those lines get blurred." "We've settled on 'Grammy' for my name," she said. "They don't look at Loryn as their aunt. It's more like an older sister." Her grandchildren needed mental health services, including complex trauma therapy for two of them, which Steegman said has helped them understand why some things may be triggers for them. The youngest, who she said was born with fentanyl and cocaine in his system, has had other health issues. When they moved in, her oldest granddaughter had been acting sort of like a mother to her younger siblings, Steegman said. She learned she no longer had to take on that role and could instead just be a kid, but it took her time to adjust, she said. These days Steegman said it can still be "a roller coaster." Some days, she feels like it's going well, like, "Oh yeah, I got this." Other days, that's not the case. She said sometimes the laundry may pile up, but she has learned to give herself grace as she juggles it all. "As long as the kids are fed, I feel like I've won," she said. She said her grandchildren are good students, have friends their age and "do kid things." Steegman's cousin and her husband, who care for the children while she is at work, are helping them get some new experiences. For example, Luke, 11, loves cooking, so Steegman's cousin has been baking with him. He's also interested in space, so the family went to the National Museum of the U.S. Air Force in Dayton and walked around, "just so he could just take that in, what possibilities might look like," Steegman said. They have visited other museums and art galleries, as well. The children are also starting to think about the future. Baylee, who will soon turn 16, is interested in working in the healthcare field, Steegman said. Sister Cati, 10, likes animals and is thinking about becoming a vet. Jose, 5, is a friendly kid who is the "life of the party," Steegman said. She said she loves seeing the children excelling at sports and school, and loves "that I'm able to offer them an opportunity for a future that is different than it could have been." At the same time, it has not been without its challenges. "It's getting a little bit crowded-feeling, because everybody's growing," Steegman said. Then there has been the process of finding other resources and supports available. Steegman, who has spent years working in nonprofits, said she is more aware of this support than others in the same position might be. Along with Medicaid, they have received support at different times from various community organizations, including a church group that would make meals and gather taxable items for the family when the grandchildren first moved in. "I am the only one I know out of my friend group that has taken on their grandchildren," Steegman said. She said her friends are understanding and supportive. They invite her to events, though they understand she may not be available as "I don't do a whole lot, unless it's with the kids, for the kids." Recently, she said, the children were asking each other, "When I graduate, how old's Grammy going to be?" In Jose's case, the answer is 72. Steegman has been thinking about those years involving prom, graduation and learning to drive. She said having permanent custody of her grandchildren has made her more determined to prioritize her own health, including getting regular checkups, for everyone's benefit. She said she is grateful for emotional support and people to talk to, including coworkers, her church family and close friends — even one who lives in Georgia. Aside from her cousin and Loryn, her middle daughter and her family have been a huge support. That daughter has three children of her own and "watching all seven of my grandchildren grow up together holds a special place in my heart," Steegman said. Her faith has helped her a great deal. And sometimes, she said, decompressing when she has some child-free moments means watching reality television. She said the children themselves received support early on from "a fantastic CASA who taught them how to journal." (Court Appointed Special Advocate volunteers advocate for children's best interests in court.) Steegman said the children learned they could put something on paper, even if it's just drawing a picture. They agreed early on that that space was their own, as part of learning about boundaries. The routine also includes getting the grandchildren in the habit of doing regular chores. They earn rewards (not monetary) for doing those chores. And, while "we don't get a lot of alone time," Steegman spends time with the children one-on-one when possible. She said she also is open about sharing the story of how they came to live with her. Their mother, Steegman's daughter, struggled with addiction following trauma she herself experienced when she was young. Talking about it openly "lets the kids know that it wasn't their fault," she said. She said moving on from that past continues to be an ongoing journey, and there are times, years later, where something may trigger one of the children and it may feel like they are "back at day one." However, their life looks different now than it did, or than it might have. And, while Steegman's own life is different than she might originally have expected at this age, too, "I wouldn't change it for the world." She added that her story is much more common than people may realize. "There's grandparents and great-grandparents raising their kiddos across the nation," she said.